Wednesday, 1 November 2017

Can I make it better?

An important process of our writing is being able to recraft what we've written to make it more enjoyable for our audience.  Here are some examples of recrafted work from Dawn, Nikita, Jolui, Aalya, Espen and Skye.

BEFORE:
She has arrived. I must defeat her or she will defeat me. She had instructed for her companions to leave so it's just us. As soon as she sees me she closes her eyes and starts murmuring a chant , I’m start to feel dizzy, then everything turns black.
AFTER
She has arrived. I must defeat her or she will defeat me.She came alone which means it’s just us. She somehow grew stronger  I feel her strength even from far away, her repulsion against me . This is the battle to determine life or death and I’m losing. I’m starting to feel dizzy, then everything turns black.
Dawn


BEFORE:
Creeping through the dusty, forgotten tomb, the two boys made their way to the shining, mysterious light. Closer and closer they ran until they made out a distant silhouette. Cautious yet curious they walked hesitantly. ‘What could it be?’ Suddenly they saw it. Forgetting everything they start walking faster. A globe, but not any type of globe. This one had a magical feel to it. It almost made them forget everything. Reaching out to touch the globe their hand passes through it. ‘Could this be for real?’ As they turn back they suddenly notice their path is blocked. They’re stuck in this abyss with only each other and the suspicious, magic globe for company. They wonder for a minute. Why was this globe here and not in a museum?
AFTER
Through the forgotten tomb, the two boys made their way to the luminous and cryptic light. One, two, three. They scrambled through the ash black darkness until they made out a distant silhouette. Walking hesitantly; the walls of the canyon hugged their bodies, clinging to their warmth.


The iridescent light was approaching. It was hypnotising and made them forget almost everything.The conflagrant glow was almost blinding. It was like a glimmer of hope. Reaching out to hold the ball of light, their hands passed through.
‘Could this be for real?’ They turn back, suddenly sensing something wasn't right and swiftly notice their path is blocked. They’re stuck in this endless abyss with only each other and a suspicious glow for company.


‘What could it be?’
Nikita


BEFORE:
Hi, I want you to meet my friend Desert. he is pretty wide and big. He becomes very dry, and never gets any water.  He doesn't cry much because he’s a tough man. He also tells very dry jokes.  Desert likes to play with sand, he’s always sleeping in bed with his sand like blanket.


Did you know Desert has a lot of friends and his best friend is Mr Scorpion and Camel boy. He likes to play with his cactus dolls. When he sneezes he creates a sand storm. Desert doesn't like mess and he also hates showers because he will get  all mucky and soggy.
AFTER
Hi, I want you to meet my friend Desert. He is pretty wide and big. He becomes very dry, and never gets any water.  He doesn't cry much because he’s a tough man. I hate Desert's jokes though, they’re so dry. Desert likes to play with sand, he’s always walking around in his sand like blanket.


My friend Desert has a pet scorpion called Sam and he likes to play with his cactus dolls. When he sneezes he creates sandstorms that blow me away. Desert doesn't like mess and he also hates showers because he gets all mucky and soggy.
Jolui


BEFORE:
Vast clusters of ice loom ominously over the deep expanse of water.  Gripping the lone bottom of the ocean, the crumbling pillars stand crowded in a line, single file.  The steep bridge of ice perches at the mountain top unsteadily ready to collapse harshly into the intimidating body of water.  Soon icebergs emerging everywhere floating across to the last chunks still standing tall and brave on the isolated land.  No inhabitants can be seen but the feeling of terrorising coldness swarming around.  The guarded archway no longer visible on the grand, blank page.  No birds were identified soaring past.  What will the future bring?


AFTER
Vast clusters of ice loom ominously over the broad, unhospitable expanse of water.  The extensive mountains stand like soldiers in the background.  Gripping the deserted bottom of the ocean, the decaying pillars stand crowded in a line, single file.  The steep bridge of ice perches at the mountain top unsteadily;ready to collapse harshly into the intimidating body of water.  Soon frigid icebergs emerging everywhere sailing across to the last chunks still standing erect; tall and brave on the isolated land.  No inhabitants nearby but the feeling of terrorising coldness swarming around.  The guarded archway now no longer visible on the grand, blank page. What sort of future will befall this piece of scenery?
Aliya


BEFORE:
I would like you to meet my friend Forest. Just let me tell you a bit about him.   He’s soo cool because he plays the same games as me; We normally play games like tag together.  Sometimes he can get a bit emotional, I mean really, really emotional.  But when he is happy he's really fun to play with. Also Forest and I tell funny jokes unlike desert.  I don’t know about you but I think it would be fun having my hair dyed green so you can be camouflaged like forest.
AFTER
I would like you to meet my friend Forest. Just let me tell you a bit about him.   Forest meet Tom.  Tom meet forest.  He’s soo cool.  He plays the same games as me.  We normally play games like tag together.  Sometimes he can get a bit emotional, I mean really, really emotional.  But when he is happy he's really fun to play with. Also, Forest and I tell funny jokes unlike dessert.  I don’t know about you but I think it would be fun having my hair dyed green.
Espen


BEFORE:
Cotton candy fills the air as I wait in a line that goes on for miles. I hear screams and laughs coming from nearby as I sit on my seat. Up and over we go, through twists, turns and sharp corners. My stomach shrivels as I scream uncontrollably!
AFTER
The smell of cotton candy permeates the air while I wait in a line that stretches for miles. Yells and laughs camp in my ears.  Up and over we go, through twists, turns and sharp corners. My body collapses while I shriek in consternation!
Skye

2 comments:

  1. Great Job Dawn, Nikita, Jolui, Aaliya, Espen and Skye!
    I liked the way you guys tried your best to re craft.
    Next time you may like to up-level some vocabulary.
    Tino Pai!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Awesome work Dawn, Nikita, Jolui, Aalya, Espen and Skye. Great re crafting examples. I hope it will help many people re craft their work to the next-level in the future

    ReplyDelete